Please give me an opinion on this essay?
Autumn Friday nights, the time where the unlikely pair of music and sportsmanship collide, and amid it all, drum majors stand tall, leading the mighty Raider Brigade by both conducting and example. I have always dreamed to be in their position, and now, I am thankful to have the chance to make this dream a reality. I view the position of drum major as one of both honor and responsibility, and there are a multitude of reasons I would love to lead in this position for the Raider Brigade.

When I was much younger, I used to beg my dad to take me to band concerts, so I could pretend to direct along with the band conductor, and by second grade, I knew that I wanted to play flute. Within this year, I became sure in my dream to become a band director. To me, becoming a drum major would mean that I would get to live my dreams out years in advance, and although my young age may be seen as a disadvantage, it is, in reality, anything but.

As an upcoming sophomore, I still vividly remember the transition issues and growing pains that accompany going from middle school to highschool, and because of this, I can give current, relevant advice. Through the 2019-2020 school year I confided in my section leader, who guided me and gave me advice when necessary, and without her, it would have been impossible to make it through the year. If I were to make drum major, I want to form those relationships with upcoming freshmen, to make sure they know they have a place before school begins, in the large, loving Raider Brigade.

The Raider Brigade in itself is a beautiful family that has united for the common goals of making music and performing a beautiful show for the crowd, and as a potential drum major, my only aspiration is to make this organization even better. I see true talent in every member, and the only way to build on this is to ignite the passion of showmanship in each individual. This begins with the drum major. All leadership teaches by example, so if the leader is passionate, the band will be passionate. The raider brigade is hard work, but as drum major I intend to make everyone “whistle while they work”. This will make the beautiful Raider Brigade reach its full, spectacular potential.

Overall, I want to be a drum major to accomplish my dreams, make connections with both the freshmen and every other member, and to make this wonderful band reach its full, amazing potential. Finally, I would like to thank you for this opportunity and your consideration, and I wish only the best for this band, which is why I am truly trying out.

I like it a lot!! Tho I think there may be a little bit too much commas but that is just my opinion, either way good job!! (Like in the first paragraph I don’t think you need a comma after the words “collide”, “tall” also no and after the word “responsibility”, keep the comma tho so it’s like “responsibility, there are a” etc...
in the second, no comma after after “band concerts” and a period after conductor. Then start the next sentence with “By second grade..” No comma after “in advance” and no comma after “it is” and just have it be “it is in reality, everything but”
In the third paragraph, no comma after “High School”
No comma after “necessary”
No comma after “freshman”
In the fourth, put a period after crowd and start the next sentence with “As a potential drum..”
no comma after “I see true talent in every member” and put a comma after individual and lowercase “this”
The rest seems good! Also this is just how I do commas and stuff so I hope this helped!!)